


In Heartbreak

by astrangetypeofchemistry



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, M/M, Tree Bros, Zoe wrote angst and I made it Worse, Zoe's fault, convan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:23:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangetypeofchemistry/pseuds/astrangetypeofchemistry
Summary: Connor’s return is an if because, of all the things he’d guaranteed Evan in life, his own presence apparently hadn’t been one of them.





	In Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alternatively_troublesome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatively_troublesome/gifts).
  * Inspired by [In Distress](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593080) by [alternatively_troublesome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatively_troublesome/pseuds/alternatively_troublesome). 



> yo what up i’m lib, i read in distress, and i’m here to deliver the pain. zoe’s on a hiatus for now, so i’m thinking we crank up the possibilities of angst until she’s back. 
> 
> shoutout to [@existsigns](https://existsigns.tumblr.com) for coming up with the letters. one of these days, i’m going to write those out, too. but it didn’t fit in this one (trust, i tried).

Living is hard. 

It’s like there’s a giant ball of pain stuck in Evan’s throat. He can’t even breath without feeling his eyes tear up. His brain is stuck in an endless loop, thinking and screaming and crying. 

_Gone_. Connor is  _gone_. 

And Evan has never felt more alone.

* * *

It’s not like he’s never been alone before. 

It’s this same loneliness that had prompted him to climb a tree back in his own kingdom, that had spurred him to keep going higher and higher until he was staring at the ground, wondering if there was even a point in climbing back down. 

He was used to that loneliness though, until Connor snatched it away along with his heart. And now, Connor was off,  _gone_  somewhere. He’d returned the loneliness, but not Evan’s heart. 

For a minute, just a fleeting minute, Evan wonders if he’d get to make the choice in a tree this time. If the branch would snap again before he ever got the chance to decide between life and death. 

Or if the choice to fall would be his own.

* * *

The darkness of night brings with in its own brand of loneliness, and mixed with the pain Evan carries on the regular, they create a mixture of something that makes it impossible to exist. He thinks, over and over and over like a machine on a loop, about dying and death, about how it would feel to cease to exist. How pain wouldn’t be so deep rooted in his skin anymore. How the sound and touch of Connor wouldn’t feel like it’s barely brushing across him, tantalizingly out of reach. 

It’s in the night that he finds himself writing letters that never get sent, letters that gather and gather in his small room in the Kleinman kingdom. 

They’re all desperate and tear-stained, smudged ink and cries for Connor to  _please return to me I love you,_ and angered insults telling him he was  _just a bandit who couldn’t even keep his own promises_. 

It hurts, Evan thinks, because love for them meant wedding plans that are half laid. It hurts because Alana cancelled the flowers and caterers and sent a follow up to the invitations. It hurts because Evan saw the words “The wedding’s off” and refused to leave his room for a week.

* * *

Sometimes he thinks about how Connor is alone. Evan has Jared, and Zoe and Alana, but Connor grabbed his stuff and left, leaving no one in his corner. Zoe raged and raged when Connor left, apologizing to Evan. Jared had sent troops out, demanding for Connor to be brought back at once. And Alana had sat with Evan even on the tough days, going about her business but letting Evan know she was there. 

He knows, if Connor ever returns, the other three will give him enough grief for Evan. But the thing is, he doesn’t think they’ll get the chance for that. 

Connor’s return is an if because, of all the things he’d guaranteed Evan in life, his own presence apparently hadn’t been one of them.

* * *

When Connor returns, pleading with Evan to please look at him, Evan turns away. He hides, because isn’t it better to guard his heart?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @connormuffin


End file.
